See the Robots Walk

Last weekend I paid almost $30 to see the Hives play at Portland’s Roseland Theater.

In retrospect, I'm pretty certain I paid $30 to watch a troupe of cyborgs pretending to be an overtly enthusiastic mod-rock band.

Sweden now rivals Japan in robot production.

The high kicks were all too high, the amp climbing too calculated. The whole spectacle seemed meticulously choreographed, though oddly enough not a single Hive so much as broke a sweat. A shame too, because they each wore adorable black-and-white kerchiefs tucked into the breast pockets of their black-and-white blazers. Obviously for show, as everyone knows droids are incapable of producing humanoid secretions.

Hand securely clamped on hip, frontman Howlin' Pelle Almqvist sashayed across the stage like a RuPaul/Mick Jagger hybrid. He is the amalgam of wild flamboyance and cavalier machismo.

Also, he reminds me of Martin Short in Father of the Bride.

The other, less notable Hives are decidedly uninteresting. The only exception is chiseled drummer Chris Dangerous, who appears to have potential for candidacy on a Real World/Road Rules challenge. The remaining Hives are rudimentary figures behind Almqvist, occasionally mustering a spin or half-hearted karate kick. Mostly, they are going through the motions before heading back to Babylon 5 or wherever it is that robots live when they aren't on tour.

While the Hives certainly put on a rock show, it is a gimmicky one. Their “spontaneous” stage antics are a bit contrived and largely theatrical. Look for them in Vegas, 2020.

- Written by Kate Nacy

Brand new, unreleased, unmastered Sparrow House track!

If you EVER read The Orphan Review, you know about my obsession with Jared Van Fleet (Voxtrot)'s solo project, Sparrow House. The first E.P. released under that name, Falls (2006) was totally out of this word and I am pleased to announce that a follow up is on the way. The artist writes,

"thanks to corduroy (every last thursday of the month at cake shop) for inviting me to play. i'll be playing a short set there this thursday around 11:30.

thanks also to everyone that has written and asked about new songs. i'm sorry, i've been digging a hole. television snow next winter. i'm too sick of it now. branches will be next, sooner than i thought.

here is a song for the way spring moves in, if you'd like to download it. turn up your ipod, it's not mastered.

new york is cold but i like where i'm living... see you soon

jared"

and you listen to it here.

Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby?

I was on my way from one sad affair to another sad affair and the radio, which I've made a habit of listening to lately, managed to provide me with the perfect soundtrack. It was a Sonic Youth cover of the Carpenters song 'Superstar', which I guess comes up in that movie Juno, which I haven't seen, and until today, I hadn't even heard the song. It's awesome. Download it.

Sonic Youth - Superstar (MP3)

I guess there was a Carpenter's tribute album that came out in 1994 and this track is from it; which means I am like 14 years late on this one. Shocking.

Whatever. The video is pretty sweet, too:

Sonic Youth - Superstar
Uploaded by Sonic-Youth

Crystal Antlers van got jacked, and here's your chance to help 'em out.

Crystal Antlers‘ van was stolen outside a show they played in Long Beach last week. Shit deal, huh? It gets worse: all of their gear was inside. These are the nicest, most hard-working rock n roll dudes, and this is just devastating news. Instant karma’s gonna get that bitch. In the meantime, be on the lookout for:

a White Ford Econoline E-150 w/ Lime Green curtains in the back windows (may be taken down already) and ladder racks.
w/ the PLATE NUMBER: 7U15238, with a license plate holder that says : “It’s not easy being Puerto Rican!”

Please, please, contact us, if you know anything, or send a message to the Crystal Antlers' myspace account, or just call one of your friends and someone will be able to get ahold of these guys.

Anyway, here's a list of the equipment that was jacked:

-73′ Telecaster Bass/ light yellow with red tortoise shell pickguard (tone knob broken off & repaired, exposed wood on back, single neck pickup) w/ case
-63′ Danelectro shorthorn/ Black with white pickguard (single neck pickup, missing tone knob) w/ gigbag
-99′ Fender Stratocastor/ light yellow with white pickguard w/ case
-60’s AceTone Fenix Organ/ Blue-Grey
-60’s Farfisa Mini-Compact Organ/ Grey
-68 Fender Bassman 4×12 Cabinet
-Late 60’s Fender Bassman 100 Head
-70′ Fender Twin Reverb
-60’s Jordan 1×15 combo amp
-2 boom cymbal stands, bongo stand, snare stand, high hat stand
-60’s Pearl Drumkit (kick, floor tom, rack tom, snare) Yellow & Brown stripey wraps 20″kick
-60’s Maestro Echoplex
-Boss Tuner pedals (2), Tube Screamer, Vox wah, Danelectro Echo, Ibanez Echo
-Pearl Kick Pedal (in case)
-Bongos/ assorted Percussion shit
-Ride Cymbals (2) High hats w/ bag

a benefit show is being held at the que sera tonight, february 13th, where a portion of the door sales will go to the Crystal Antlers:

Holy Fuck: Way to make lemonade, dudes.

M.I.A. and her paper plane bullshit kinda pisses me off.
Holy Fuck would probably bug me too, but know this: together, M.I.A. and Holy Fuck become something kinda good.

Thanks for switching it up, guys.

That's all I'm gonna say about it because I'm way too tired to give you anything more than this. Deal with it.

Download (MP3)
M.I.A. - Paper Planes (Holy Fuck Remix)

Piss on me once, shame on you. Piss on me twice...

Black Lips live at the WOW Hall, 2.06.08

The standard congregation, moist with sweat and fervently sparking Parliament Lights, stands outside the Wow Hall excitedly discussing puke and piss. Or more appropriately, the lack of puke and piss. Despite the trace of endorphins lingering after a mosh-friendly show, most attendees can’t disguise a bit of disappointment at having missed a four-man sword fight.

My friend Jeremy takes a stab at the mechanics of pissing in one’s own mouth. “Morning wood is the only way to get that kind of arch,” he proposes.

The Black Lips aren’t about piss, really. An unrivaled reputation for rowdiness helped catapult the Atlanta foursome to notoriety, but the Black Lips aren’t going to be your monkey. And they certainly won’t piss just because you want to see them do it.

The Black Lips and their brand of [insert adjective] punk are refreshingly legitimate. Charming, even. Their latest album, Good Bad Not Evil (VICE Records), features genre melding at its finest. Garage punk is layered skillfully with elements of country and psychedlica, Motown and surf rock, even a touch of Southern voodoo.

Standing at the base of the stage, I watch the small crowd come unhinged as the band rips through rambunctious tracks, bouncing in systematic unison. They launch into the spooky “Off the Block” and someone’s entire face is blindly planted in the small of my back. Within the sweaty crowd, masses of skin and sweatshirt heave backward and forward in waves both erratic and systemized, sometimes with the unified goal of knocking a microphone loose or launching a skinny kid onstage. Devil horns are emphatically thrust toward the heavens, and occasionally someone loses control of a beverage, sending its contents spilling across the stage.

Mid-set the lights are cut and the stage backdrop becomes a magnified psychedelic Petri dish. Singer/bassist/mustache cultivator Jared Swilley raises his fingers above his head, palms forward, and prompts the audience to wiggle jazz hands at the sky. It looks as if a Grease II rehearsal is being conducted in a crack alley.

People who come to watch the Black Lips have come to partake in a chaotic free-for-all, even if they have to create one for themselves. The crowd shares a persistent sense of urgency: a need to digest everything about the band and their music immediately, because soon it will be over and they will be gone.

Weirdly enough, I walk out of the venue clean and dry. If piss lingers on me somewhere, it’s from having to hover behind a plastic shower curtain in the tiny venue’s bathroom.

-Written by Kate Nacy

Why I never have to go to another show for the rest of my life: Tuesday at the Troubadour

Holy crap. I mean, seriously, WHEN DID BLACK MOUNTAIN GET SO FREAKING GOOD? I've seen them before. Twice, actually, and THEY WERE NOT EVEN CLOSE to as good as they were on Tuesday night at the Troubadour. I've listened to both of their records over and over and over again--they're both good records, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for such a f**king amazing performance. See, I smoke a lot of cigarettes. It's gross, actually. I mention this only because I find it amazing that I didn't want to step outside even once during the show for fear that I would miss something totally sweet. I was completely blown away by the dense cloud of avant-prog (yet somehow still folky and melodic) sound that filled the whole place, and I seriously feel that if I could replay it in my head over and over I would never have to see another band play again for as long as I live--and I'm not the only person who feels this way. The crowd (mostly made up of my very drunk friends) was totally insane, the venue was totally awesome (the Troubadour is WAY better once you're over 21 and you don't try to show the bouncer a fake ID that he takes away after calling the cops on you), and the sound quality was totally impeccable. Basically, the night exceeded every expectation I had and all the ones I didn't have, too. But contrary to singer/guitarist Stephen McBean's on-stage comment, I will still probably make fun of Canada sometimes.

I'm through gushing. Here's the only video I could find for you on YouTube. It sucks. Watch it anyway:

Canadian Wolf Packs Attack! WE ARE WOLVES Totally Owns Long Beach

Monday night was a good night in Long Beach. M for Montreal put on an excellent show at The Prospector, bringing together an eclectic mix of music that included Montreal's best band of the year, We Are Wolves, and 2 local bands, Sparrow Love Crew and Repeater.

We are Wolves isn't merely a 'post-punk' outfit, and to call them such would cut them short; to label them 'dance' or 'pop' would be to neglect their stellar ability to drone; to call them 'noise-rock' would draw more attention to the serious volume they can produce and avert much needed focus from their intensely musical sound. So how can I describe the 3-piece? Their sound is at once unique and predictable, and this contradiction is created by the convergence of a digitized new-wave drum beat and some seriously analog, punk rock rhythms played by a drummer who stands up the whole time. This rhythm section, backed by synthesizers, high end basslines, and harsh vocals allow the music of We are Wolves to span an unfathomable spectrum of sound. To be blunt: it's like nothing you've heard before, Los Angeles, and they freaking rock.

Fun fact: The keyboard player, Vincent, says that his favorite show that the band played in the Long Beach area was with 60 Watt Kid at Koo's Art Center. This really happened, it was on Sunday, and I can't believe I wasn't there.

What's with Montreal and wolves, anyway? AIDS Wolf, Wolf Parade and We are Wolves are a wolf pack ready to attack. More and more Canadian bands are gaining international hype, especially with the help of organizations like M for Montreal, who put together a showcase of bands from Montreal for international music delegates on the hunt for export-ready talent.

Enough about Canada. Let's talk locally--Sparrow Love Crew. They just wrapped up a residency at the Detroit bar in Costa Mesa, and at Monday's show SLC had some trouble with the sound--a fairly typical situation at the prospector--but being the bad-asses that they are, the group was able to pull it together for a pretty decent set. They are definitely worth checking out, so FYI: Sparrow Love Crew will play at the Vault 350. The event's called LEtS BE FRiENDS, it's on Saturday March 1st, and performers include: ON BLAST, Look Daggers, Pop Noir and Repeater will also be playing the event.

--Contributed by Jeff Phifer
_________________________________________

Thanks again to Jeff Phifer for another awesome review, and to the Fever Dragon, Mr. Kehni Davis, for the kick ass visuals. Oh and click here for more photos of the show at the Prospector.

In the waiting room: Vampire Weekend @ Amoeba Hollywood

I went to Amoeba on Monday evening to see Vampire Weekend but only made it as far as the elevator lobby/entry way (just above the downstairs parking lot). I stood there for like an hour and went through every flier in those racks. All I got was a free Dead Meadow poster (whose new record came out yesterday) and a bunch of rave fliers that seemed real cool at the time. They're on the floor in my car now. I may not have seen the show, but I did hear a little bit of it, and now I understand why my friend would refer to Vampire Weekend as "like, 5th wave ska." Here's what I, and probably you, missed:

Punk Rock on the High Seas: A Mika Miko/Bad Parents Review

After we poured half a fifth of whiskey into our tanks, we were ready to board the Rocket Boat. The Rocket Boat is basically a speed boat large enough to fit about 40 seats (a number that has since become 35--the mosh pit took up half the boat, and several chairs were casualties.) Anyway, the Rainbow Rocket for the Butt Rockin’ Boat Ride is a punk show on a boat. On Friday the lineup featured LA's Mika Miko and LB's Bad Parents (ex Geisha Girls). So with a zephyr behind us carrying the smell of human waste (that Long Beach natives know and love so well) we embarked upon an inebriated, tune-filled journey around the Long Beach Harbor.
As far as the show goes: According to the flier, Mika Miko played with 3 other bands: NASA Space Universe, Le Face, and Contaminators (no "the"). Unfortunately, the boat's PA system is so bad that catching the names of these bands was about as easy as moving around. All I know is that one band dropped out and was replaced by Bad Parents. And I guess I probably shouldn’t tell you this, cause you were probably one of the people who were sent away after the boat hit capacity, but: I've seen Muse with less than 3,000 other people and Immortal Technique with less than 300 other people, and Friday night on the Rocket Boat was honestly the most fun I've had at a show in a long time.

--Contributed by Jeff Phifer
_______________________

Oh so you wanna mosh on a boat now too, do ya? Then get your ass down to dock #7 on Friday Feb. 8th to check out Bad Parents, F. Neighbors, Red Hearts, and Vomit Bomb. Cover is 7 bucks. Here's a map if you're confused by the lack of a physical address:

CALLING ALL SARCASTIC ASSHOLES WHO HAVE GOOD TASTE IN MUSIC

The Orphan Review is looking for some new contributors. Jessica, Kate, and I defintely got it goin' on and we think you might, too.

If you wanna be a fancy music journo, do this:

-Check out the site and make sure you have a sense of what kind of writing we're into--usually nothing formal, and definitely not dissertations. Unless they're actually engaging. I have the attention span of a gnat, and if I don't want to read past the first sentence of your article, you're doomed.
-Subscribe to the feed.
-If you think the shoe fits and you wanna wear it, send me an email with the subject "Orphan Review Submission" that includes [some variation of] the following information:

What music are you into at the minute?
What music were you into a minute ago?
What city do you live in?
What's your mom's maiden name?
Do you like green eggs and ham?

and don't forget to attach 2 short [read: SHORT] writing samples. Then we'll talk.



I've got high hopes for you guys.

c4
c4@orphanrecords.org

p.s. you can totally use words like shit and fuck. i'm kidding. you can't. and i can't anymore after this, either. but you CAN write about almost anything you want.

Updates: C4's extra Cure ticket, new Moonrats 7"

So back in the beginning of January I gave everyone a chance to win my extra Cure ticket & accompany me to the show at the Hollywood Bowl in May. So far, entries have consisted of some stupid emails, flattering comments, a ticket to see Black Mountain on Tuesday at the Troubadour, and some really fucking cool shoes. They're on the top left--check 'em out:


Suffice it to say that aside from Kehni and Codie you guys all suck. When I finally promise the ticket to someone you will all be very sorry. Start crying now.

In other news, as of Groundhog Day (02/02/08), the new Moonrats single is available from L.A. Record. Details:

Out now is the new Moonrats 7" the latest in a string of upcoming releases for us crooks over at L.A. RECORD. Each record is on white vinyl and hand assembled and hand stamped by two or three uncoordinated people out in our garage located in an alley behind a chinese restaurant. In short apologies if they smell like delicious orange chicken or egg rolls. Order Here

according portishead and my friend brent, humans = garbage.

If you subscribe to the Portishead MySpace blog or have a really bad youtube addiction, you already know some of the things I'm about to tell you. If not, read on:

1. Portishead's new record comes out on April 14th
2. It's called THIRD. how clever.
   
3. "Our world is doomed." let me elaborate:

ORPHAN RECOMMENDS: the Prospector (Long Beach) on Monday 02.04.08

Even if you don't live in Long Beach, you should probably get your ass to the Prospector on Monday because I can basically guarantee that you will have a good time. This is what's on the menu for February 4th:

presented by call sick on friday...

WE ARE WOLVES (Montreal)



REPEATER (Long Beach)



SPARROW LOVE CREW (Long Beach)



Orphan WILL be there, so if you somehow manage to miss this (I'll feel bad for you, but), check back soon afterwards to see how crazy shit got. In the meantime: happy weekend, dudes. I'm going back to sleep.